I wrote this when I was literally in the middle of it all. I was extremely depressed and couldn’t see the end in sight. Many people said, “they would be there for me every step of the way.” These were my thoughts at the time in response to that. I’ve never shared this before but I think it’s a good idea of how I felt in my darkest moments. Please forgive any grammatical errors.
I am the only one who can do this.
I am the one who will have to shave my head (and wait years for it to be close to the length it was before). Lose my eyebrows and eyelashes and maybe my fingernails too.
I am the only one who has to go to endless doctor visits, MRI’s, and echocardiograms.
I am the only one who will cry in the middle of the night because my body looks and feels so different.
I am the only one who is in excruciating pain after surgery or crying because the drains hanging from my body are causing me extreme discomfort and pain.
I am the only one who can’t move my arms for weeks, will have numbness in my underarm after a lymph node is removed and never have any feeling in my breasts again.
I am the one who won’t sleep because my mind is filled with fear and worry.
I am the only one…
Up all night because the steroids won’t let me sleep.
Who has to go to weeks of chemo and a year of treatments.
The one who is paralyzed on the sofa all day after chemo because nothing will soothe the nausea.
And the one whose reflection in the mirror repulses me.
Sometimes you can’t be there because geography won’t allow it, and you have your own lives, families and jobs. Your life will go on while mine will literally come to a stop!
Sometimes you can’t be there because you don’t know how to help me or what I need and …neither do I.